Beautiful Disaster
by AddienaTheBlueSpirit
Summary: It's the twins birthday and it brings back sad memories,Song-fic. Rated T for safty and because some concepts involved are slightly dark.


A/N: this song Fic is told from the point of View of Both twins. One twin is the actual song and the other is the story…it's sadly poetic…and yes that's because it's just plain sad.

DISCLAIMER: if I owned Ouran Host Club I would be Japanese and the twins would be Emo, if I owned this song I would be a man named John McLaughlin and would have the ability to sing on key. Also if I owned the idea of writing a Song Fic about the twins to "Beautiful Disaster" I would be one of my friends who has way to many fics she's working on and told me she thought I could handle this.

_**Beautiful Disaster**_

Seventeen years ago today, I entered this world with you.

**I love my mama's lemonade;  
Hate the sounds that goodbyes make.  
I pray one day I'll find someone to need me.  
I swear that there's no difference,  
between the lies and complements.  
It's all the same if everybody leaves me. **

I'm sitting here, hollowed out, just an empty shell moving through my life as if nothing is wrong. I try to look in the mirror and tell myself the pain is over, but I can't believe myself, because the reflection I see reminds me of the one who made me feel this way. Every day I have to remember that the face in the mirror is the face that made me cry. The face of the person I love the most is an exact copy of my own.

**And every magazine tells me I'm not good enough,**  
**the pictures that I see make me cry.**

You're not here, but it makes it harder when I see the person that I love smiling at me from the cover of Vogue, looking at me, alone, from a place where I used to stand beside you. What hurts most is that I can't be there next to you; I can't just stand beside you anymore. These photos hurt more than when you first left, because they remind me of everything I never got to have.

**And I would change everything, everything just ask me.**  
**Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,**  
**and I need someone to take me home.**

It's not the same. I try to act like seeing you standing in front of me doesn't hurt, but I'm not sure I can convince anyone to believe it. Not that I can blame you for that, I can't even convince myself that looking in the mirror won't remind me of the truth.

**I'm giving them what they want; try to act so nonchalant,**  
**afraid they'll see that I've lost my direction.**  
**I never stay the same for long,**  
**assuming that I'll get it wrong.**  
**Perfect only in imperfection.**

The other Hosts are worried about me. I tell them I'm fine, but they don't believe me. They say its okay for me to cry about what you did, but they don't understand that you're not the one who hurt me…that it's me who's cause the most pain in my life. I lied to myself for so long, telling myself that you loved me most of all, that you were just playing a part when you were with other people.

**I'm not a drama queen,**  
**I don't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired**

I don't think that people realize the amount of pain I'm in. It's like they just say, it's not healthy, without any really understanding what they're telling me. They say that I've felt this way too long, even our good for nothing mother is trying to 'get me help'. The truth of the matter is that they're just oblivious to what we really were. We were everything I had ever really known… and now everything I've ever knew to be true was exposed as a lie.

**I would change everything for happy ever after.  
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,  
But I just need someone to take me home.**

I can't, I can't, and I _can't_. I just CAN'T do this anymore, and all I want to do is _Dream_ because I need something, something I lost when I lost you. I want to dream but I'm afraid, I'm afraid that you will be there again because when I wake up you'll be gone again, and everything will just hurt worse.

**'Cause I'm just the way I am, but no one's told me that's ok.**

I still blame myself for everything you did, and I blame myself more for everything you didn't. It's been two years and I still can't move on. I know you can tell that I still cry at night over you. Long to hear you're voice, not because I miss it, just to know that when I do it will be there. That moment is when I see it again, a shoe box labeled simply "His Stuff".

**And I would change everything, everything just ask me.**  
**Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,**

I stare at it for a moment, wondering if I should take the time to put myself through it again. If the memories that were in the box were worth deepening my pain after two years of trying to relieve myself from it. Knowing I will regret everything I'm doing in the years to come, I grab the box. With shaky fingers I pull out a pressed rose the once brilliant orange of the flower had faded from the time spent forgotten in the pages of a book. It was sad to see it, but that wasn't what he was looking for. That was underneath. My hands shake more as a grab the piece of paper, it had been folded and unfolded so many times, two years ago today, that the creases were almost cuts.

**And I would change everything for happy ever after.**  
**Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,**

My hands trembling more the longer I hold it, knowing what it says, and hating it, I begin to read it for the first time in two years…

_Kaoru, I love the way you smile, the way you know just what I need…what I feel even when I don't. I love more than that…I love you, I love everything that makes you:__you. I guess I should have told you this sooner, but all that matters to me now is making sure you know…because this is my last chance. What I hate most is that his breaks every promise I've ever made to you. It's not supposed to be you; it never was supposed to be you that got hurt. I can't live without you, Kaoru. Yet if I were here tomorrow, I could never be worthy of you. I hate this. I hate that the only way to make sure that I never hurt you again it to rip your heart out. I'm watching you sleep right now, and I want to wake you up. I want to tell you what I'm about to do right now because I hate keeping things from you, but you'd stop me, and I would have to keep on breaking you're heart every time I go out with someone, every time I tell people we're just an act. I know this will hurt Kaoru, but in the long run I can't bring myself to NOT do this and keep you to myself any longer. You are everything I need, and that's why I can't stay here anymore. _

_I love you, Kaoru, but that just makes this even harder._

_Good bye My Love,_

_Hika_

I step back into my 17th birthday party with blotchy red eyes because the one person I wanted to be there hadn't had the decency to show up. Yet I still fake a smile because 17 years ago today I entered this world with you…2 years ago today you left it without me.

**But I just need someone to take me home**  
**and he just needs someone to bring me home**.


End file.
